02 April, 2012

Thoughts about a Purge-Ritual

It's taken me a while to post this (had to back-date this entry for the time it actually occurred!), as the Purge-Ritual really through me off my whole routine for almost an entire month.

A Purge-Ritual, from what I understand, is used for personal self-work. Deep self-work, with a capital D. I had been looking forward to this ritual for weeks, and I was happy that my fellow classmates were going to be with me, so that we could support each other.

Psychologically, I had felt as though I was stuck in my routine, of work, home, class, etc.  I was very happy to help with the Shamanic Healing Circle back at Sacred Space 2012, but I was out of practice, and psychologically, I was doubting my abilities, and having a hard time shoving my Ego out of the way to get the Work done. This was reflected in the healing work I had done for myself that day, and in the omens that I had pulled from my Runes and tarot decks.

One of the largest lessons that I learned (well, re-learned) immediately was the difficulty I was having doing self-healing, versus healing work for others. Why is it so hard to do things for me, and yet so easy to bounce up to help a friend/client? I was pushing myself out of balance, and becoming Ungrounded. I spoke with one of my Spirit Animals, who helped me understand that especially when working with my clients at work, I needed to be Grounded and Centered in my own Self. So many of those with mental illness have difficulty centering and focusing, and I can passively help with that through my non-verbal language and Energetically.

During the second half of the Purge-Ritual, my classmates and I helped each other by Drumming, Rattling, using Stone Grids, and Toning. I felt so much love and strength pouring through me, and my drum, that even though the Ritual lasted ~10 hours (I'm not even kidding about that), I was able to last through it all. I crashed into bed around 3am.

The next few weeks were absolutely ridiculous. My emotions were all over the place, and I felt Angry All the Time. And paranoid, too. I kept trying to evaluate what I was feeling, to see if it was tied to any memories of parts of myself that I tried to heal, but I was unfocused and impulsive. I didn't trust myself to explain what I was feeling to any of my friends/classmates, so I did the typical Coyote-thing and stayed at home, laid low, and waited for my emotions to even out again.

They finally did, and I discovered something about myself that I have struggled with all my life. I have a really hard time with rumors, gossip, and bad impressions. I become paranoid about them, and wonder how they will affect my life in some Machiavellian way. I blow up crazy scenarios in my head, and then I think that the only way to change someone's mind about me is to confront them and convince them about what I'm really like. This Purge-Ritual brought out some psychological traumas from my past, and helped me to evaluate them without becoming re-traumatized by the images and emotions. By laying low and not trying to impulsively work out half-made solutions, I was able to grow and heal from those past events.

This Purge-Ritual was supportive and deeply moving, and I hope to make it a part of a yearly practice.

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